The Morgue Reviews #1
Written By: Adrian V.

Welcome to the Morgue. I’d like to tell you all about what to expect in here, and with each update, since that is generally the main purpose of an introductory paragraph. But the fact is...I don’t know what to expect. Obviously, it will involve gaming, and I’m pretty sure there will be some ranting about Star Wars, Batman and Virtua Fighter here and there. I’m also determined to work in the occasional pot-shots at complete morons (one category of person I can’t stand) and ‘hard-core’ gamers (an entirely different category of person I can sometimes stand, though I usually prefer to sit when I am forced to stand them...it really does make sense) I inevitably encounter in my life.

Since I can’t be any more specific, let’s kick this off with some facts I find germane that you may not:

The first two are absolutely true, and the third really has to be seen to be believed.

Why the wanton, possibly deranged dumping of product? Perhaps the overstocking of Superman and/or Power Rangers: Light Speed Rescue...lack of interest in the platform after Superman and/or Power Rangers: Light Speed Rescue...upcoming releases of superior consoles that play games that are nothing like Superman and/or Power Ranger: Light Speed Rescue...the list goes on.

But none of that really matters.

What does matter is that you can buy some really cheap Nintendo 64 titles (that are neither...oh, you know) these days, and I intend to help you along that path. Why? I’d like to say something appropriately altruistic, but the fact is, I’m a freak for finding cheap games. I’m so obsessed, in fact, that if someone wanted to pay me to do it...I’d let them. Now that’s commitment folks.

But you can’t just run about telling people to purchase one thing and then ridiculing them for buying something else without having some sort of structure. So here are my rules:

Now this may seem like a ‘duh’ rule, but what I mean by this is that, no matter how technically impressive, replayable or cheap the game is, if I don’t plan to own it, I won’t suggest that you should.

This is really just a redundancy rule to reassure you that if I review a game, it is actually sitting in my N64. I may discuss other games in the Morgue, but if I don’t own it, I don’t score it.

I can’t help it, it’s just my nature. But if I make it a rule, you can’t get mad.

-Now, if I find Mario Tennis at Toys ‘r’ Us for $25, rest assured I will mention it, and there will be various other ways I will work in games that are over $20, but they will never be reviewed or recommended, though they may be re-evaluated*.

*Re-evaluated- this is where I take another look at games that are either no longer on shelves or that people consider ‘classics’. I will likely assess the nostalgia factor and weigh the game’s quality against more recent offerings, and I don’t care if you think that isn’t fair.

Furthermore, there will be many times that I refuse to admit a game is better than the Virtua Fighter series. This is not due to any kind of emotionalism, advertisement dollars or medication on my part. It is simply one of those immutable laws, much like electricity, the maximum velocity of an object in a vacuum or the gravitational effect of the moon. In the same way that human being have come to grips with these realities, I also encourage you, the reader to deal with it.

Next time in the Morgue, I will begin some actual game discussion.

Posted: 6-21-01