The Morgue Reviews #2
Written By: Adrian V.

Games discussed: F-Zero X, Fear Effect, ‘N’ Games

There are many things I like about Fridays. First is the end of the work week, but that’s a gimme. More important is that my alarm clock is an industrial-grade air raid siren. That doesn’t seem to make sense... let me explain.

You see, I refuse to miss Saturday morning cartoons. And for many years my ability to view these 22-minute toy advertisements was hampered by various activities the night before that were usually unhealthy, often ridiculous and always past bedtime. But now I have no worries, since I have my 120 decibel alarm and a TV in the bedroom. Now if I could only get my girlfriend to make some breakfast (with waffles and french toast, please) and deliver unto me as I recline in animated bliss, the world would be a perfect place.

But even more than all of this, I like Fridays because after work my girlfriend and I meet at the Virgin Megastore on 14^th street to peruse the DVD movies. Sometimes, if I can persuade her, we check out Software Etc. and Barnes & Noble as well. The very best part is that I have roughly half an hour before she arrives to hit the Toys ‘r’ Us and see what games they have on sale. The fact that this makes me so happy is a little weird, and a lot sad. That’s why I just write about it, and when people ask what I do on the weekends, I lie.

Well this past week was sort of a bummer in the Toys ‘r’ Us N64 department. I snagged F-Zero X (reviewed later) but I noticed that the number of available titles was severely diminished. It’s not like it happened all at once, but there were only about 40 games displayed, and at least 15 of those are sports titles.

At this point, allow me to construct an interjection:

Blech.

I don’t know about you, but I generally skip the games under the letter ‘N’ in pretty much every store I visit. You know the ones I mean...NFL, NBA, NHL, NASCAR...these hold little to no interest for me, particularly on the N64. And their boxes are so boring...they either have some random guy in a uniform who appears to be very upset at having his picture taken, judging by the grimace of pain, sweat and/or dirt covering his face. Or maybe he’s a hockey player, and feels really stupid having dirt on his face, but the guys from the agency needed that ‘gritty’ look. Then there are the hundreds of sports games covered in out-of-focus shots of generic stadium crowds that fills up 90% of the box space with those drab whites and greens. What is that about? Who figured out that the correlation between La-Z-boy recliner jocks and their willingness to dish out cash was directly dependent on the amount of the color white they are exposed to? Does it remind them of the toilet seat they refuse to leave down for their wives, so their malted hops-addled brains assume that if they see white, the lid must be down; therefore they deserve a reward? Why do I care? Well, I have a theory. It’s not nearly as impressive as that one about the velocity of objects in a vacuum, but I think it’s infinitely more relevant. Here it is: I believe that the boxes of the best N64 games are decorated almost entirely in primary colors. So far only Mario Golf has come close to disproving this, but I mark that one down as an exception. Plus, the intruding hue was white, so I assumed that Nintendo was aware of the color white/armchair athlete relation and was trying to garner some sales with the causal crowd. I haven’t proven this yet, but my time will come.

As I stand in the aisle staring at the dwindling selection, I decided to take a head count. There were roughly 45 games displayed, and of that, 18 were sports titles. Another 15 were games that make Shaq-Fu look innovative and balanced. (If you’re struggling with that reference...Shaq-Fu was really bad. I encourage you to find it and give it a shot so you know just how good Toshinden actually was.)

(That was yet another reference, added to drive home the fact that Shaq-Fu was almost, but not quite, playable. You see...Toshinden was really, really bad. Almost evil. Like monkeys.)

Those of you with an 3^rd grade education are already adding and subtracting, but let me lay it out for you; this left 12 games that were possibly worth solder holding their guts together. But you know what? These are some of the best games I have ever played in my life...and many of them are on sale. I can only hope that we see more of this in the future, and on other systems.

That’s when it dawns on me an era has passed. The N64 is really just a stopgap now...I don’t think even Nintendo expects people to buy any of the games anymore. And this is sad, because there were a lot of games that people missed and shouldn’t have. Not as sad as spending a Friday afternoon letting thoughts like this depress me, but a close second.

So with the F-Zero ticket in hand, I take a look at the Playstation section and discover two things:

     and

2. Having limited choices in the Nintendo area is infinitely better than wading through 100 mediocre shovelware titles over in Sony land

With two games in my hand, I feel I’m ready to go meet my girlfriend and live through her inevitable purchase of Circle of Friends. *shudder*. Anyone interested in sending letters of support and comfort in my time of need can direct them to the mailbag with my appreciation.

So Saturday rolls up and I have the afternoon to play the ‘new’ games. Let me just say that Fear Effect looks really cool so far, but I only tried the first ten minutes, which really isn’t enough to form an opinion over. Well, in the Morgue anyway. I’m not sure the ‘Play To At Least the Second Level’ rule is enforced rigorously elsewhere in this industry. Anyone who bought Zone of the Enders or I’m Going In based on the reviews knows what I’m talking about.

I decided to leave the Fear Effect for a while, mostly because it has a story behind it. This is a good thing, I swear, it’s just that I have a habit of getting a new game and never finding time to get back around to previous games I’ve already invested time in. I still haven’t beaten Legacy of Kain, Loaded, or Fade to Black yet, for cryin’ out loud. (For those of you new to the gaming world, two of those games came out before ’96, which was practically the dark ages. Cell phones weighed nearly a pound, and the internet was in like, 256 colors. You kids have it too easy nowadays. *end unwarranted ‘back in my day’ speech*) So I decide to shelve the Fear Effect until a more convenient time and get down with some F-Zero hover racing.

I have been waiting for this moment for quite some time. I didn’t buy the game originally because I’m only moderately entertained by racing titles, so they need to be something special to hold my interest. The fact that F-Zero X was an update to an older game (however good that game may have been) wasn’t really the kind of ‘special’ I was looking for.

But now I had it in my sweaty hands, and I can say with integrity and conviction that the game was sort of not quite bad.

I haven’t really worked out the rating system yet here in the Morgue, so that’s my honest opinion of the game so far. You want to hear more? Tune in next time when I establish a clear ratings system and throw F-Zero X, Episode 1: Racer and Wipeout 64 into the ring and see which one survives to claim the crown.

Posted: 7-3-01
Updated: 7-8-01