The Morgue Reviews #4
Written By: Adrian V.

Before we find out which of the three games –F-Zero X, Star Wars Episode 1: Racer or Wipeout 64– is the winner, we at the Morgue would like to take a moment for the traditional Showdown Sit-Down.

Our celebrity guests for this Sit-Down are: Optimus Prime and Jetfire of the Transformers; Higgins, the English caretaker of Robin Master’s estate from Magnum P. I.; a teenager who tried to get us to buy him beer at the local convenience store; 2 Morgue lawyers (don’t ask); the entire cast from The Smurfs; Robin from Batman: The Animated Series and a bottle of Arizona Green Tea.

Let’s start with Optimus Prime.

Morgue: "Optimus! You’ve seen the race so far, and the setbacks they’ve encountered. Who do you think is going to pull this one off?"

Optimus Prime (OP): "Well, I have to say that I respect those little guys in F-zero a lot. They may be trapped in those limited forms, but what an excellent job of sticking to the track they do. They have true spirit. Of course the other contenders are also doing a terrific job. I’d like to offer up the Matrix as an honorary prize to the winner, but of course, I can’t, having given it to Rodimus."

Jetfire (JF): "Not this again. For cryin’ out loud, it’s enough that I have to hear you whine about how you can ‘...no longer lead the Autobots, the most honorable group of blahbidy blah blah to ever blah blah blah blahbidy blah’ the whole way over here, but now you’re going to drag your psychological deadweight into a guest appearance? We get it. You had ‘the touch’. Just tell the guy which one of the freakin’ games you like most, so I can get you back to your group session. Aren’t Quicksilver and Lion-O going to be there this week? I’m sure you’ll have a great time... *under breath* -putz"

Higgins (Higgy): "I say, that’s a bit cruel sir. (Tapping Jetfire’s leg) You may not be able to agree on your viewpoints at all times, but you’re warriors from the same cloth! There are larger concerns lads! Set aside these minor differences and unite to deal with the task at hand! Why, I remember, while with my platoon in Northern Africa..."

Robin: "Whoa, whoa, whoa there Higgy Baby. I’ve seen this episode. Let’s steer ourselves back to the games."

OP: "Yes. We should deal with the subject at hand... Video Games! But first, I think we need to resolve our dispute." (Gives a meaningful look to Jetfire)

JF: If you think I’m playing into your ‘therapy embrace’ crap, you can rot in hell Optimus. (Getting up and stepping backwards) No, really. I don’t know what ‘Love Your Mechanical Self’ tapes you’ve been listening to, but we do not ‘hug’. Ever. I mean it! Have you noticed the size of my GUN?!?"

Morgue: "Uh, guys? Has anyone seen the Smurfs?"

Teenager: "Dude, they’re totally under Jetfire’s foot! Way cool. Lift those massive toes, big guy! Let’s see what color their guts are!"

Lawyers: (In unison) "You can’t do that. Those are registered trademarks of Hanna-Barbara."

Robin: "Do you guys always say the same thing like that? That’s creepy."

Higgy: "...and shortly after my Captain committed suicide, I was left to..."

Robin: "Higgy. Can it."

Morgue: "For the love of...can we get a cleaning crew in here?"

Teenager: "I got it, Morgue dude. Just hand me one of those kick-ass Morgue tee-shirts."

Morgue: "What did you get? I thought I told you to stay in your seat and be quiet if you wanted to stay for the interviews."

Teenager: "I just used that bottle of cleaner in the chair over there. And my shirt...nasty."

Morgue: "The bottle of...you twit. That was a guest, not cleaner."

Teenager: "Whatever dude. It had a faggy green label, and it was wet. Can I get a new tee-shirt though? Mine’s covered in blue gunk."

Higgy: "That’s abominable."

Robin: "What the...? Don’t put it next to me!"

Lawyers: (In unison) "I’m afraid we can’t use any of this material. If you wish to continue with the interviews, it will be on your own expense account."

Robin: "How do you guys do that?"

Optimus: "Do those humans have a dual bionetic interface? Fascinating."

JF: (sitting back down)"I still don’t think ‘hugging’ is of any use to artificial constructs, Optimus. I’m never doing that again. Are we clear?

Can I get a towel please? Someone left some gum on the floor or something."

Morgue: "All right! All right! Can we get back to the games please?"

Robin: *whispering* "Yeah, I’d save the t-shirt, man. No, don’t...put it in a bag or...not under the...fer cryin’ out...what are you, high? Or just stupid?..." *normal voice* "What? Right, the games! I’m personally voting for Wipeout 64 in this one. I definitely believe in the power of the Force and everything, but those antigrav sleds look too hot to take anything but first place."

JF: "Of course, you spent thirty years in fish-scaled underwear, green booties and a yellow cape."

Robin: "True. There’s just no accounting for taste. But check out the threads now."

Higgy: "Very dashing. I must say, you cut quite the figure, particularly with the hidden yellow lining of your mantilla."

JF: "Higgy...who talks like that? Did you actually just say ‘dashing’?"

OP: "Jetfire, do you need another hug?"

Lawyers: "We believe you have strayed from not only your topic, but also the moral standards we stringently maintain here at Morgue Inc., and we regret to inform you that all activities and recordings are to be terminated until further inquiry can be made."

Higgy: "Really, lads. Is that necessary? Everything seems to be well in hand now..."

Robin: "It just doesn’t sound real when they both say it..."

JF: "Optimus?"

OP: "Yes, I’ll take the one on the left."

Teenager: "Holy $#!%...they stepped on them! This is way cooler than getting beer. You rock, Morgue dude!"

Morgue: "Yes, quite. *sigh*. Why don’t we just get this over with. Everyone take one of these ballots, vote for your favorite of the three games and we’ll tally the winner from there. Here you go."

*shuffling*

Morgue: "Everyone ready? Hand them in."

"And the winner is...Star Wars Episode 1: Racer!!"

Higgy: "Just a moment...I thought we were here for a discourse on our views of each contender’s abilities. If you were planning on having us vote for a winner, why even have a race? What’s going on then? I don’t care much for the pretense, I must say."

Robin: "Yeah, what is going on?"

Morgue: "Well, it started raining in the last stretch of the race, and it turns out that none of the games had any experience with weather. They all just stopped about three hundred yards from the finish and watched the rain come down. Weirdest thing."

JF: "Tell me you’re lying."

OP: (getting up)"We’re leaving."

Robin: "Man, I skipped Dawson’s Creek for this?"

JF: (walking out the door)"Optimus, I’ll take you home, but if you even mention this ‘hugging’ to anyone alse, I swear you’ll be missing more than your ‘Matrix’ when I’m done.

And what’s with having that thing in your chest all those years and never mentioning it? That’s just strange. Didn’t it ever chafe?"

Teenager: "Dude, can I get some brews out of the cooler over there?"

Morgue: "And there you have it sports fans! Star Wars Episode 1: Racer is the best choice of the three available games. Get out there and pick it up as soon as you can!"

"No, I will not sign that t-shirt. Get out of the building before I have you shot."

Posted: 9-28-01