The Morgue Reviews #5
Written By: Adrian V.

I’m Back! How about the lowdown on what’s cheap? No problem, it’s coming up in a bit. First I’d like to discuss something that’s been on my mind quite a bit lately; game length.

Now, I’m a person who feels that for $50, I should get at least 15 hours of gaming. I believe this is the median for games in this day and age. Of course, no longer do I feel that playing a game to completion, and then playing it again to find secrets and hidden items should be included in that 15 hours.

The impetus for this train of thought? I just played Spider-Man for the first time this week. I waited this long, not for lack of interest, but because I refuse to buy a game when I know that a superior version will soon be available. Since we all knew they’d be releasing a Dreamcast version, I held out for that one. Then it was discovered that Dreamcast games were on the endangered species list, and prices started dropping faster than morals at a porn convention.

Sadly, those wily retailers were smart enough to continue charging full price for games people would actually buy, leaving Spider-Man in the $45 range. The sad twist in logic here is that, while I refuse to buy a game when a version exists on a superior system, I also refuse to pay full price for a game that’s a port from an inferior system. Spider-Man just happened to fall right into that very narrow category and I have been unable to lay hands on it with good conscience for the past year.

To make a long story short, I found an exceptionally preserved used copy this week, and grabbed it immediately.

Let’s see if I can bring this full-circle.

Spider-Man was rather short, but for both positive and negative reasons I was actually glad. The negative reasons were the sub-standard camera movement making precise control nearly impossible on many occasions, and the awkward hand-to-hand combat that perpetually left Spidey undefended for painfully long and unnecessary periods after every assault. These are reason enough for me to rejoice that I didn’t pay much for the game. However, this is not a review, so that’s as far as I’m going to go with dissecting Spider-Man. I will now focus on my ‘game length’ gripe, which deals with the positive aspects.

Spider-Man was designed with a reward structure requiring the game to be played more than once. And if I hadn’t just described why playing it the first time was troublesome, this wouldn’t be such a bad thing. But thankfully the game is short enough to beat in under three hours the second time through, because there are quite a few extras unlocked either through multiple completions or locating certain items in the game that you may not have the time or inclination to discover on your first run.

This is all easily understood, I’m sure. I guess my real problem is with what justifies playing a game over again, and here’s where I feel this game failed.

The only real reason to play Spider-Man more than once is to acquire new costumes and obtain all of the historic comic covers. I’m sorry, but this does not warrant multiple romps through Spidey’s world. Allow me to explain.

The extra costumes (that have any function other than looking different) are only offered after you have completed the game.

Well that’s just silly.

Let’s look at it from a psychological standpoint. Now, I understand the concept of rewarding a successful game completion; that’s why games have ‘ending cinemas’. (If only those were worth the effort half the time. Who writes some of the $#!t out there anyway?). I want to know why we are so frequently given access to items or abilities we have to play the freakin’ game again to use. We’ve already completed your game. We don’t need powerful items anymore. Give me the double-strength costume, the giant rocket launcher or the inviso-headband while I’m still interested in playing your damn game, and maybe I’ll come back and beat the thing without it later to prove that I’m able. If you want, you can withhold the good ending until I do. In the meantime, let’s focus on things I can enjoy without having to suffer once more through a game I finally finished. Like behind-the-scenes info, or, in the case of Spider-Man, make the ridiculously useless comic books I was risking my life for be a shade more involving than a cover and a recap. How about this; if I beat Spider-Man using no codes and the default suit, you give me the actual contents of those comics to read at my leisure. Wouldn’t that be incentive to play the game more than once?

Or how about the Colony Wars approach? Toss me a different ending based on my performance? Or open additional levels that actually have something to do with the story? Or even make the main ending a touch of a cliffhanger, and then offer up a second ending that resolves every issue when I complete the game a second time, or with more stringent restrictions.

Any one of these ideas would make a short game (under 10 hours) worth coughing up the $50 for and playing over and over. But nonetheless, creative teams that are ‘under pressure’ or simply lack vision routinely abuse us. I’m sorry if things go over budget or you can’t meet deadlines due to unforeseen eventualities, but making all of us buy your half-assed game when you got screwed by your publisher is just pathetically undignified and self-indulgent.

*deep breath*

Before I start sending bomb threats, let’s take a look at what’s cheap these days.

On the Dreamcast front, we’ve got loads. Space Channel 5, Tomb Raider (4 and 5) Chu Chu Rocket, Wetrix, House of the Dead 2 (find the Japanese gun if you can), Typing of the Dead (great game, find the American keyboard) and even Samba De Amigo are all at $20 or just slightly under. Sadly, with Samba, the Maracas controllers are still way too expensive ($80), though there is a viable alternative from a third party that is just as good and can be found for only $45 in some places, possibly less.

Playstation has way too many games that qualify for the Morgue to even attempt a list right now, particularly since many places have entirely different games for less than $20. I will give you a few highlights though. Medal of Honor made the Greatest hits list, which isn’t big news, but the sequel can now be found for under $20 in many places. Awesome. Also we have Speed Punks, which is a pretty decent Kart title, and there are two wrestling games out there, Hardcore Revolution and something else that really doesn’t matter. I’m sorry, but wrestling games are of very little interest to me. Be happy I noticed even one. I’ll try to do better in the future.

As for our favorite system, the pickings are slimmer than a supermodel during Lent. (Trust me, even atheist supermodels abuse the Lent codexes) We have only Duck Dodgers, Madden ’99 and Quake 2.

Of the three, I have played exactly none of them. I wanted to try Duck Dodgers, but the visual presentation was so sparse, it repulsed me. Remember when Bubsy 3D came out years ago for the PSX? I don’t know why they thought an accident-prone cat wearing a T-shirt would be a viable mascot, but they gave it a second chance with this game. Well, all the environments looked like background paintings for Wile E. Coyote cartoons from the seventies, which was an interesting way to compensate for the deficiencies of the PSX at the time. Ingenious, really. Unfortunately, ‘ingenious’ can only be applied to a concept once. It’s part of the definition of the word. So when they tried something similar with Duck Dodgers, I just threw up my hands and played some more SimCity. Sure, they passed on the desert motif for urban and space environments, but that just made it feel like Blasto, which was voiced by Phil Hartman. So I got all depressed and played some more SimCity.

As for Madden, he can go soak his overpaid head for all I care. I never played many football games, so I won’t even try to BS you with my non-existent game knowledge in this area. Even if I had picked the game up, I would only be able to compare it to NFL 2K and Tecmo Bowl, which is a pretty limited panel. So we’ll just have to go with the advice of a friend of mine who actually plays these freakin’ games.

He says: "It kicks some serious @$$, with loads of options and high-res sweetness. Actually has the NFL license this time, and the AI isn’t a pushover or insanely difficult. Best N64 Madden."

This is all well and good, but since my girlfriend has an ex-boyfriend who’s name is John Madden (I $#!t you not) I’m not a big fan. It’s apparently rather good, but it won’t be receiving a recommendation from me. Particularly since the box art has pure white covering roughly 35% of the surface area. For god’s sake, they have the man himself holding a football on a field of grass. I’m not making that up. If you’ve read the earlier Morgues, you’ll understand my problems with sports games box art. Look it up.

Not a very good week for N64 fans in the Morgue, but we are far from obsolete friends. Solidarity, baby. Solidarity.

Posted: 10-17-01