The Morgue Reviews #6
Written By: Adrian V.

It’s been a rough few weeks here in the morgue, and I don’t think it’s been easy on anyone else either. I trust most people will forgive the lack of updates, since I felt that searching for cheap videogames while men in yellow and blue searched for survivors was lacking in taste.

On the other hand, the world does continue to turn, and a point has to be reached where the mourning feels its stay was adequate, and everyday routine steps back in to keep us sane. As for the fact that these are the ‘Morgue Reviews’...well, I appreciate that some would find the moniker a bit unsettling. However, I do not believe in censoring things simply for the sake of other people’s sensibilities. Removing certain images from films, video games and television shows I can accept to a degree. Watching ‘Friends’ and seeing the Trade Center Towers in the transitional skyline shot would certainly kill the mood of the show. But there is definitely a line that shouldn’t be crossed when it comes to self-censoring. There were some incredibly horrible acts being perpetrated elsewhere in the world long before September 11^th and no one really cared about references to a post-mortem status then, so simply because this terrible thing happened here doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s influence supersedes reason. I am in no way diminishing the importance of the attack. Hell, I live in NY, and work just over a block from the site. I knew people there. But we’re still calling these little features ‘Morgue Reviews’ and the radical right can shove that in their pipe. Let the toking commence.

Now, in the interest of being able to forget a few overplayed images of horror and the lunacy of a handful for a few moments, I’m going to use this Morgue to review a game that is incredibly light-hearted yet still fun. Games like this were exactly what I turned to when the media felt it hadn’t shown me quite enough tragedy that day.

First up:

Rating: 10 or 17

10 if you hate Pokémon and only run through the game once. In that scenario, you’ll only get about three hours of gaming for your money.

17 if you can stomach the little creatures and actually try to find some good shots and uncover the secrets in the game.

Can be found: 

Used on Amazon.com and frequently at Software Etc. and Electronics Boutique for under $15. The retail price still hasn’t dropped at major chains due to the preposterous popularity of Pokémon products. (That last sentence used alliteration. Neat, huh?)

I know, I know. It’s freakin’ Pokémon. Believe you me, I hate myself more than I can convey through text for my continuing interest in these silly, gibberish-speaking, superpowered...things. But I have to tell you, much as I am an industrial grade proponent of adult themes in games, I couldn’t stop playing this one. Maybe it’s the fact that you don’t have to actually beat anything, thereby alleviating any shame or anger one could possibly encounter when failing. Instead, you just have to take pictures, and the better the pictures, the higher your score. As you improve, you acquire items that will help you interact with the Pokémon, allowing you to set up certain shots. In fact, there are quite a few minor puzzles to be solved to even catch a glimpse of many Pokémon.

It’s Pokémon, and I’ll be honest with you, even I had a problem feeling like a man while buying this one. And the guys at the store know I buy games for the Morgue. If you have a similar problem, I suggest taking a younger sibling, or pretending you’re buying it for a cousin. I will detail this second method after the review.

There are only three real complaints I have with this game, and they are as follows:

1. The levels and Pokémon found therein are limited. I’m not really sure why this is. You encounter less than half the original 151 Pokémon, (around 60) and you only do this in seven different areas. Six, in reality, since the final level has a single Pokémon for you to take a picture of, and has no features or real scenery. (I won’t ruin it for you, but I’m sure there are only two Pokémon any fan can think of that are worth that kind of treatment) I can’t imagine why they couldn’t put more of the little guys in the game. It’s not like there was a lot of memory used for textures or dressing up the tiny levels. The whole game is on rails, so it was rather easy to give the terrain the appearance of more depth than was there.
2. You can only save 60 photos to the cartridge. This is of course a limitation presented by the Nintedo’s lack of a memory card, but it still hurts. 60 pictures means you can’t even keep one picture of every Pokémon in the game. And since there are more than a few ways to take a picture, you have to be very careful in deciding which ones you think are worth the save.
3. You can’t get out of a level. So if you only went back in to get a perfect shot of a single moment, you’ve got to sit through every part either before or after it. Eventually you earn a feature that lets you speed the ride up, but it’s just not the same.

Now I’ll address how you can pick this game up without taking an upper-body check to your masculinity.

To accomplish this, you need to prepare. First you’ll need something rather dressy, (you’ll need a tie, preferably one that’s a little too short) glasses if you can locate them and a slightly bewildered look. Be sure the top button is buttoned and the tie is nearly choking you. A sleeveless button-up shirt would almost be too much, but could be pulled off if you have a sweater-vest or a really ugly belt.

Next, you go to the counter and tell them you need a game for your 8 year-old cousin. This will immediately send most clerks down the Pokémon path. You see, the bulk of these guys could care less about you, and they like to pretend they’re immensely superior. This helps them compensate for the fact that they work at a videogame store, rarely (if ever) get laid and still live with their parents. You walk in looking like you know nothing about games, and you’re just the type of person they get to lord their limited knowledge over. Except that everyone assumes that little kids either only like Pokémon, or aren’t able to comprehend ‘real’ games like Metropolis Street Racer, Perfect Dark, or whatever Street Fighter happens to be ‘tha thang’ that week.

Now, all you have to do is say that said child was asking about a game for a ‘Sega 64’ that involves taking pictures of Po-kay-men (pronounce it exactly like that) and the deal is sealed. This all assumes you don’t want to try steering a store clerk into their used bin and get that ‘cheap bastard’ look they seem to keep waiting just behind their eyes. If you can handle the scorn on their face, you can always find it yourself and upon reaching the counter, simply ask them ‘Is this the one where you take pictures of Po-kay-men? Is that good for little kids? It’s not too hard is it?’ Now you’re stylin’ baby. See, it’s okay to look like a loser, as long as you create the loser you want them to see. Don’t worry about showing your face again. I can just about guarantee you won’t be recognized in your street clothes. Particularly if you got the glasses. It’s that whole ‘Clark Kent’ thing.

No really, it works.

Posted: 11-23-01