I came to two conclusions yesterday afternoon.

First, regardless of what my girlfriend continually insists, there is no way that Neve Campbell is anything but cute.

Secondly, if I may use a dash of artistic license as I paraphrase the tremendous musical talents of the Ghetto Boys... Damn it don’t pay to own a Gamecube.

I think I’ll go a little further with that.

Okay, there were a few more verses, but all the rage I’ve been cultivating on this subject has been beaten into submission by the relentlessly cute, colorful and care-free sludge that oozes from the seams of my latest Nintendo console like so much saliva from a mastiff. There’s a small puddle of happy in the middle of my living room that smells faintly of cut grass and Smurf urine. I’ve cordoned the area off until I figure out precisely which brand of industrial grade pesticide I’m going to have to coat my apartment with. If that proves as ineffective against the Bringer of Small Furry Joy and Shiny Rainbows as I suspect, plan B is to finish the bag off myself and leave a note blaming Nintendo and Britney Spears fans. There’s a lawsuit in there somewhere, Morgue readers, and I’ll take one for the team if I have to.

The barren Nintendo wasteland that greets me at my favorite game store every week has gone beyond the unwelcome but familiar ‘limited releases’ zone, into what I believe scholars have identified as the third concentric ring of console gaming hell. I was quite excited to be able to play Rogue Squadron II on my ‘cube...four months ago. But after the second week of attempting to get a gold on every level...well let’s just hit the pause button there. Why do I have to get all the gold medals? Is unlocking Vader’s Advanced TIE that important to me? Do I really have an insurmountable desire to waste another 20 hours of my life learning to fly each of these missions perfectly, to be bestowed with the honor of doing it all again? When did ‘mind-numbing tedium’ become the definition of ‘replay value’?

And why don’t the Jurassic Park DVD’s have commentary?

In the next edition of the Morgue we’ll be re-inviting our celebrity panelists to a round-table discussion about the lack of Gamecube titles, because I can’t be bothered to think about it anymore.