No longer content menacing the virtual landscapes of the sundry and varied platformers peopling the Game Boy, everybody’s favorite overweight bad boy Wario is a’movin’ on up in the world, and will be making his way if he can in the brave new world of next gen. Wario will make his console debut in his very own 3D adventure game, the ever-so-cleverly entitled Wario World, which will be foisted upon the unsuspecting masses of Gamecube owners roundabout early Q1 2003.

In Wario World, our hero gets to learn the unspoken rule of commercial gain: that having gems, jewels, and riches beyond your wildest dreams isn’t quite what it’s cracked up to be. Particularly since one of those mountains of jewels contains a mysterious black gem capable of transforming all of those beloved treasures into monsters and the basement of that ritzy castle into a whole other universe. Our greedy little friend will doubtless find himself compelled to travel deep into the bowels of this alternate world in hopes of restoring what he loves best to their original bejeweled state; kind of a neat metaphor for the decline of the American empire, when you think about it.

On a more pedantic note, we turn to the action of the game: our pal Wario will be able to fend off his mutated treasures by punching, grabbing, swinging and hurling random objects. He’ll also be able to run, jump and maneuver his way around obstacles (yeah, I know, I know, but we’ll skip the fat jokes this time). There will be "mysterious floating sticky balls" (don’t ask) in the game which Wario can use to help him jump higher and reach new levels. In a neat new twist on his previous adventures (where you couldn’t actually kill the bastard, just relieve him of his money), Wario actually has a heart meter which can, logically speaking, be extinguished in as brief a time as you deem necessary, depending on your views on the gratuitous aggrandizement of wealth.

Wario will be looking to filch your hard-earned bucks early next year (kind of like the taxman, which also rears his unwelcome head just past Christmas).

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