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Men In Black
Review By: Adrian V.
Developer:   Tiertex
Publisher:   Crave
# of Players:   1
Genre:   Platformer
ESRB:    Everyone
Date Posted:    6-2-00

I normally wait for the end of a review before I express my full opinion, (since the scores are easily located) but I'm not sure I'll have enough text to fill a full review. This game is dirt. Complete, total, unrelenting, take-no-prisoners, had-it-up-to-here, who-the-hell-thought-this-was-a-game, unforgivable filth. And I didn't like it much either.

Make the pain go away...

Now, I've had a Gameboy since they were released, and I've had my fair share of unspectacular games. However, nearly every time I picked up a game I didn't like, it was usually due to the fact that they either tried to do too much, (Asteroids) or the game wasn't suitable for the platform (Street Fighter 2). However, MIB is a side-scrolling platformer, and they couldn't even get that right.

The controls are ridiculous, (preventing you from shooting anything that crawls on the ground and requiring excessive, obstructive animation to turn around) and the level design is pathetic. You walk towards the other side of the screen, and occasionally an enemy shows up that you have to shoot. They tried to break it up with a little moving-platform action on the second stage, but that was a travesty. You can't see the path of the second platform you need to reach, partly because it goes beyond the screen you're on, and partly because the limited amount of screen you see is constantly moving because you're on a platform yourself. This makes the jumping almost completely dependent on luck, which shouldn't be a factor when your limited lives are at stake. They also give no indication that you're about to encounter an enemy, an obstacle or a hole in the floor, which means you have to lose a few lives until you memorize the level. Pathetic, untested design.

The creators of this game need to be shot, quartered, left in the woods naked, at night, with a deer carcass chained to their necks, while being forced to play MIB the whole time. That would be justice.

Overall: 0.1
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